Seven Changes

Seven.

Mathematically, it’s an odd number.  Biblically, it’s a sign of perfection.

Seven.  The amount of people in my family, which is why it’s my favorite number.

Seven.

It’s been seven years. Some days seven feels like a short time.  Most days seven feels like a long time.

It took everyone awhile to get our lives together and pick up the broken pieces, but we did.

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Mom,

Here’s a quick snapshot of your ever-growing family and all the changes that we’ve been through the years.  It hasn’t always been pretty. In fact, for awhile, things were down right ugly.

I am so proud of everyone and I know that you would be proud of them, too.

Dad is still being dad.  Losing you was so extremely hard for him.  It was very rough for a long time and we were all worried about him.  He has since remarried and moved to Idaho. You know how he always wanted to be back west and leave the south.   He seems happy but still misses you.  I’m glad he has Carrie to take care of him.  He visited over the summer and it was good seeing him after years of not seeing him.  He made sure my car was up to par and I miss him when he’s not here.

Your first son, Herbie: You would be so proud of Herbie and Kimberly.   He’s a dad to three kids; Logan, Holden, and Addison. It’s crazy how big Logan is now! Remember when he was a baby?  All three kids do certainly keep them busy. All three kids have their own personality and it’s great to see how they support each personailty!  Herbie has a great work ethic that he learned from you and Dad.  He also takes his love for sports and coaches baseball! How amazing is that?! Kimberly is a great Mom (no surprise there)  to the kids and still gives all the kids personalized birthday parties and cupcakes.  She makes sure the kids are well taken care of. I know you would be so proud of them, Mom.  You’re still missed.

Brenda went back to school to pursue a new career. She moved two hours away and the twins are officially living alone! I don’t think anyone thought that day would ever come. She’s always been more studious than me and can still sit and focus for hours to study! She grasps human anatomy and soaks up all she can learn.  She is passionate and determined to achieve her goals to continue to help others.  Donn, her boyfriend, is great to her and has supported her so much these past three years.  I know you would like him, Mom.  You and Brenda were best friends and she still misses you.  P.S. Buster, her spunky dog, is still alive.  We still use the nickname Buster Brown.

Let’s be honest, your second son, Derek, caused you and dad to lose sleep in his younger days!  Him and Meredith now have twins; Andrew and Kaleigh.  It was a scary time for everyone when they were born prematurely at 25 weeks!  But, they’re fighters like their grandma and they overcame so many struggles.  Andrew and Kaleigh are full of life and energy and have brought so much joy to the family.  I would say that Derek is getting pay back for his childhood!   They’re wonderful parents and you would be so proud of them. Derek works hard to make sure his family is provided for.  Meredith is a great Mom and has been wonderful to Derek and the family.   When they talk about you to the twins, you’re called “grandma in the clouds” You’re still missed.  P.S. their dog, Stevie is still alive.

The baby of the family and momma’s boy, Josh. You two shared a special bond and losing you was hard on him.  I felt guilty for moving out and leaving him alone to fend for himself but he finally found his way.   He has a good job that he enjoys and works hard, too.   He has a girlfriend, Nicole. Nicole is hard-working, driven, and determined to achieve her goals.  She will graduate nursing school in December and has recently accepted a position at the hospital. Nicole is a wonderful addition to Josh and our family. I know you would so proud of all he has accomplished. I’m also certain that you would love Nicole.  They have two dogs- Emma and Bambi.  The dogs keep them busy!

As for me, Mom.  I’m still the stubborn rule follower and mother hen of the family. It took me awhile to allow myself to grieve since I was so busy taking care of everyone. I’m still waiting for my person if he’s out there.  He’s going to have to super patient, right?  That beautiful dog in my lap is Casey.  She’s a shedding machine but she’s super sweet and loyal.  Casey has been my therapy over the years.  She’s been the perfect companion for all my adventures and obedient except when it comes to water.  I finally graduated college and teach second grade! I LOVE teaching! It’s probably no shocker that I’m in a profession with kids since I’ve always worked with kids growing up.  Also probably not surprising that I am a teacher since snow days growing up were spent me playing school and making everyone do homework (that they actually did, haha!).  Currently, I’m at a weird spot in life, but it’s a good spot. I’m searching for new passions and purpose.  I wish you were here to give me advice. I miss you.

All in all, we’re doing well.  You’re still missed.

Are you keeping count?  You have 5 new grandkids and 5 grandpups.  2 new future kid in laws.  Your family is growing.

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Ashely, your neice is doing great.  You would be so proud of her.  She’s been through so much through the years but is using the hard times in a postive way.  I’ll let her write you her story.  I know you’re smiling down on her.

Erica, your granddaughter is in college! She is a beautiful youg lady and has dreams she wants to achieve.  I know you’d be so proud of her because she’s accomplished so much.  She’s smart and does well in school.

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If you are blessed to have your parents in your life,  be thankful. Hug them whenever you can.  Pick up the phone and call them when you get a chance.  You’ll miss that.

The pain of losing a parent never leaves.  Of course I’ve learned to cope; but it wasn’t until I learned what grief was and it’s affect on me.   Grief isn’t something you just shake off becasue you feel like “it’s been long enough”.  It is now part of your story.  It’s part of who you are and your identity.  And you have to embrace it.

Grief isn’t pretty, but the changes you endure will be. It turns you into a beautiful masterpiece.  It’s a beautiful ride.

Seven.  Seems impossible.

-Bethany

A Mother’s Lap

A birthday post for my Mom:

As a child, I was terrified of storms. I would leave my bed and run down the dark hallway to your room to seek peace and comfort. You would hug me and tell me everything was alright. You rubbed my back and patiently waited until I was ready to go back to my room. You knew I was scared, but always encouraged me to be brave and face my fears.
I remember your lap was often my comfort spot. In countless storms throughout my childhood, the same scene would play out. I vividly remember one stormy night in your lap. You and Dad hired babysitters this night. This was a rare occasion when you two actually went on dates. Since there were 5 Kids, we usually had 2 babysitters. After the babysitters went home, a huge storm came. While in your lap, we talked about the storm and God. I told you I was worried about the babysitters getting home safely and I was worried about lightning striking the house. You said two words that have stuck with me well into adulthood. “Just pray.” We did just that.

It’s those two words that have helped me navigate the hard times I have endured throughout life. It’s as if you are sitting here listening and reminding me to just pray and trust.

She taught me that when you’re scared, just pray. She sadly passed away in September 2011. She battled cancer and died in a car accident shortly after her 52 birthday. I never told her how much that one stormy night impacted my life. I wrote this post to share her wisdom in celebration of her.

Happy 59th birthday, Mom! 💜

From One Exhausted Teacher to Another

 

Dear Fellow Teacher,

You’re exhausted.  Drowning in the never-ending to-do list. Planning lessons to reach every learner where they are academically and emotionally.

You look around your classroom and see a hot mess. The posters are starting to fall off the wall. The weight of little hands and bodies leaning against them is starting to take a toll. The book shelves that you spent two days organizing before school started, and countless times throughout the year, looks as if a tornado hit it.  The supplies are dangerously low. The students are starting to get on each other’s nerves and you’re hearing about every single minor offense. Your email dings with one more thing to do. And the exhaustion just keeps coming. Your patience left you a long time ago.

I’m right there with you, friend. Teacher burn-out is real. I’ve been finding myself complaining TOO MUCH about teaching.  Long hours. The pay. Not enough supplies. Out of pocket expenses.  I could go on and on.  The same complaints we all share, I’m sure.

Then I realized that I was focusing on all the negatives.  I’m causing myself to get a negative taste about teaching.  So, I wrote this post to remind myself why I keep going.  Why I keep teaching.  Why I keep doing what I do. Why I work an insane amount of hours a week. Why I want to spend my weeks with 21 7 and 8 year olds.

I hope this list helps you remember why you started, too.

1. Daily corny  funny jokes.
2. Hugs. I give my kids at least 2 hugs a day. Morning greeting and afternoon goodbye.  That’s at least 42 hugs I get a day.  Not including all the random hugs they want.
3. Daily doses of laughter and silliness.
4. Being able to witness the beginning of year students to the end of the year students.  They grow up before your eyes.
5. Watching a struggling reader or English learner go from not being able to read one word to reading an entire paragraph.
6. Subtraction with borrowing and the ah-ha moment the students make when they finally understand.
7. Hand-drawn pictures and love notes from students on my desk.
8. How much they light up when they enter the classroom each morning.
9. The funny stories they tell.
10. How much I love them.
11. The bond we share.  I know their favorite shows.  Their favorite video games.  Their favorite book.  The fears they have.  The struggles they endure.  And how they come to me to help them through the problems.
12. God placed each one in my care because He knows they need me and I need them.
13. I miss them and worry about them when they’re absent.
14. Watching them gain confidence with themselves. And overcoming a struggle.
15. Teaching them life lessons.  How to be a good friend.  How to be kind.  How to help others.
16. They show me grace on my bad days.
17. They forgive me when I make mistakes.
18. They let me sing out loud. They also let me break out in a dance. And although they groan, they secretly love it.
19. Their compliments are always the sweetest and honest.
20. They fulfill my purpose.
21. Seeing a student go from hating reading to loving reading.
22. My life would be boring without them.
23. How bittersweet the last day of school is.

Woah, that was much needed. Teaching is a hard job.  We’re expected to do more with the little we’re given.  But somehow we always manage to get it done. We do it because we love our kids.  Our kids need us.  We do it because we love teaching.

I’m going to start focusing on the positive aspects of teaching.  The list is certainly longer than the negatives and the outcome is greater.  Take some time for your self and release the stress.

I appreciate all my friends (teachers and non-teachers) who listen to me vent.  But next time, refer me back to this post.

Keep calm and teach on!  There’s only a few weeks left to have them in our daily lives. Enjoy them!

-Bethany

 

 

 

 

 

Sunrise Moments

Life.

Life is.

Life is too.

Hard.

Sad.

Broken.

Life.

Life is.

Life is too.

Beautiful.

Wonderful.

Exciting.

Life.

Life is.

Life is too.

Short.

Sunrises.

New beginnings.

Another chance.

Another opportunity to forgive ourselves. And others.

You know that feeling you get when you wake up after a bad night of storms pounding you?

Relief. Refreshed. Survival. Peaceful.

That peace. Life is too short to overlook another sunrise. It’s too short not to remind ourselves that each day is a new chance to start over. It’s too short not to embrace the stillness that the sunrise stirs inside us. It’s too short to ignore another sunrise.

Peace. Hope. We’ve endured the storm. We survived our hardest season in life.

The next time you see a sunrise, take a moment to enjoy it. To remind yourself that today is a new day. Another chance to improve. Another chance to love those in our lives. Another chance to live in God’s grace.

Tomorrow isn’t promised. Live in the moment and enjoy the small sunrise moments that God places throughout our day. It’s in the small moments that we truly see the beauty of life.

Be well friends. Love others. Love life.

-Bethany

Sludge

via Daily Prompt: Sludge

The sludges of life.

It hits you.

One day you’re stepping in the soft dirt with the sun’s heat beating down on you.

The easy going pace of life has suddenly taken a huge turn. A turn that’ll test your grit. It’ll test your faith and perseverance. It’ll make you second guess everything you’ve known thus far.

You’ve reached a bridge. A bridge that requires you to balance and walk on one foot. You become distracted and have managed to misplace your footing. You struggle to regain balance but you fall in the murky water; unsure of what’s below. Hopeless.

You won’t give up without a fight. You’re in pain. Bruised. Tired. You muster enough strength to arise from the water.

Once you’ve reached dry land though, you’re beaten. The water has weighed you down. The dirt has now turned to sludge. Sludge that adds weight to your legs as you try to walk. Hopeless.

Your life suddenly feels like sludge. Sticky. Dirty. Unloveable. Stuck. Hopeless.

It doesn’t matter how much you fight, it’s still there weighing your legs down. Keeping you knocked down. Beaten. Tired.

One day you observe the sludge is slowly coming off. Your legs start to feel lighter. You have the strength to carry on and continue. You have hope again. Hopeful you will survive.

But ask yourself. Is the sludge coming off or did the sludge cause you to become stronger? The sludge wanted to break you. It wanted to bring you down. You didn’t allow it. You only became stronger. Wiser. Hopeful.

The sludge in life may cause you to be discouraged but hold on. There’s always hope at the end.

“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 3-5

Keep moving. Keep growing.

-Bethany

Enjoy Heaven, Grandma

 

Dear Grandma,

I just wanted to write you a final letter, Grandma.

I remember when we moved away, you and I wrote letters back and forth.

Although most of my memories have faded throughout the years, there are some I often look back on and smile.

I remember your house.  The green house that sat behind a school and next to a grocery store.  In the backyard was an alley that we were never allowed to play in.  The basement.  The very creepy basement.  I always imagined it was full of monsters and spiders. I always hated entering the basement and dreaded every time I was asked to grab something down there. I remember your rotary phone.  I always played on it. I remember Christmases spent in your living room.  Your flower couch.  The blue and pink bedrooms.  Grandpa’s hats hanging on the border of the wall in your bedrooms.  Your kitchen.  I remember eating a carrot and I lost my tooth during a family dinner.

I remember that  snowy, winter night in Montana coming home from church ( I think it was church).  The roads were covered in snow and we were all piled into the suburban.  Before we all knew what happened, we all realized that our dog, Taffy,  was struck by a passing car.  I remember you were sitting next to me and I cried in your shoulders.  You comforted us kids who were screaming and helped settle us down.

When you and grandpa came to visit us in North Carolina, you and I baked my favorite homemade peanut butter cookies. Real peanut butter cookies-from scratch.  I also remember that Christmas morning when I snuck down to peek and saw you and grandpa with my parents putting prensents under the tree.  I stopped believing in Santa that Christmas.

Every time I wipe the counters, I can see you in my mind, teaching me to wipe the counters making the letter S. You said it was easier and faster.  Till this day, I still do this.

You told us that every time we drink water, the water cleans out our kidneys and causes our pee to turn clear like water.  I think it was a trick to get us to drink more water because we turned it into a contest.  The kid who could get their pee clear as water was the winner 🙂

The endless talks about Norway and our family history.  The countless hours making lefsa.  With so many potatoes and flour everywhere.

Learning about how you and grandpa fell in love in that little North Dakota town.

Every Christmas we received homemade ornaments and the latest craft you were working on.

You and grandpa coming to every single grandchild’s high school graduation in North Carolina.

Thanks for the memories, Grandma.  Thank you for the life lessons, the laughs, for talking to us about Jesus.  Your patience with me when I attempted to do something crafty and you soon became content with me just observing.

I hope you enjoy Heaven, Grandma.  Hug Mom and enjoy being reunited with your daughter after all these years.  Hug Britt and embrace your granddaughter after a long time.  I’m sure they’ve both saved a place for you at the kitchen table.

I know you’ll also enjoy seeing your mom and all the family that has gone before you.

I love you and miss you, Grandma.

Love You Lots,

Bethany

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Covered in Waves of Grace

 

When the waves crashed upon the shore, I noticed something that I’ve never paid much attention to before.

I make all things new.

 Before the waves crashed upon the shore, the sand is covered in broken shells and rocks.  Of course when the tides recede, the shore becomes clean and smooth.  The waves wash away the broken shells.  The rough sand.

My mind instantly thought of God.  The wind was blowing, so I envisioned Him standing next to me.  It felt like He was telling me that the waves represent My grace, faithfulness, and love.  The broken shells and rough sand represent your sin, regret, bitterness, and hatred you’ve been carrying around.  All the negative thoughts you’ve had about yourself, the doubt, the worry. Your battle with perfection.  Please child, give them to Me. I promise to make a clean heart and ease your mind.  My grace will wipe it away and make you clean. Just trust me.

I looked up and saw the sun rising and the rays were shining on the water.  I was reminded that warm March morning that my burdens are washed and thrown into the ocean never to be thought of again.  My soul is anchored in His love.

I’m loved by the One True King despite my shortcomings.  You are too, my friend.  Let go and trust God.  He’s got this and He has you.

He makes all things new.  Trust Him.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  2 Corinthians12:9

Single Rose

It’s just a single rose.  How can something so small make such a huge impact?

I walked into the assisted living center not really knowing what to expect.  I didn’t have a reason to visit except I had this tug in my heart to go.  I was greeted by this happy, smiling event coordinator,Pam, who was very receptive to this random stranger who just walked in.  I explained to her that I wasn’t visiting anyone in particular but wanted to visit on Valentine’s Day in case anyone was feeling lonely.  Pam proceeded to tell me that the residents were in the dinning hall and I was welcomed to go in and converse with anyone.  

Pam left me awkwardly standing in the lobby while she went to go fix the coffee.  I stared into the dinning hall and asked myself why I even bothered to show up. Pam came back to save the day and asked if I’d be willing to help with something.  She told me about this son who sent his mom and every lady in the building, roses on Valentine’s Day.  His mom passed away a few months ago, but he still sent in a box of roses for the ladies.  She asked if I would be willing to deliver the roses to the residents in the hall.  I accepted the task, not really expecting the impact that came.

I walked into the dinning hall and I felt the stares and the glances from a room full of senior citizens.  I greeted the residents and handed every lady a rose.  Some ladies pushed the rose to the side and continued their dinner.  Most were over the moon because it was the first gift they had received in a long time.  They had the biggest smiles on their faces and happiness in their eyes and I suddenly knew why I had this tug. I needed to learn a lesson.  Each lady received just one, single rose.

Afterwards, I stuck around with a new friend, who happened to be a spunky, Jesus loving, lady. She told me the same story 5 times, but I loved every minute of it. I sat in the lobby with about 20 other residents praising Jesus because a local church came to sing to the residents. 

It took one, single rose to make a difference.  

The one, single rose taught me:

-Making a difference does not always have to require a set time or schedule.

-Love comes in more than one way.

-Small gestures often yield the greatest result

-It opened up the door to see other ways I can have an impact on the community especially in an area out of my comfort zone.

-Jesus can show up anywhere.

-Single or not, you’re important.  You matter.  

Who would have guessed that one, single rose could offer so much insight.  Lets work together to find those one, single rose moments in which we can shine our light brighter than the darkness.

Hope you had a wonderful, love-filled Valentine’s Day!

-Bethany

 

Transformation

And just like that, it’s gone.

I learned at an early age, just how mean people are.  I spent the early part of my childhood teased, mocked, and bullied. I never grew thick skin from it.  I never learned how to stand up for myself nor come up with ways to cause harm towards those who caused me so much agony.  I think I developed a thing I like to call “keep everyone at an arm’s length and build walls. Because everyone in my life has caused me nothing but hurt.”  Not the best choice, obviously, in dealing with nasty people, but at a young age, it was the only way I knew how to handle the hurt.  I also have learned how NOT to treat people.  I’m probably too nice to people, but I know how it feels like to be the dirt on someone’s shoe. 

Growing up, I had a speech impediment.  I remember going to speech therapy in school and being so embarrassed when I couldn’t pronounce letter sounds correctly. I hated reading out loud in front of my classmates so much, that I refuse to make my students do it.  I only call on the students who want to read so I don’t cause any kids to wind up hating reading.  Or give a child another reason to hate themselves.  I remember my family members, out of frustration and trying to help, constantly telling me to articulate the words better.  “Open your mouth, Bethany and articulate the words.” Every time they tried to help, I just felt even more unworthy.  I wanted to be the perfect, well-behaved daughter and every time I was told to speak better, I felt inadequate.  I knew they were frustrated and only wanted to help. Already feeling like I was worthless to people and not being able to thrive on the same level as most of my peers, I was constantly reminded how different I was and not in the positive way. The nights of being afraid of going to school, parties, or other functions because I would have to talk but no one would understand me. I wanted to be the same but how could I? People helped reminded where I was stuck at, where could I find hope from people?

I’ve used the excuse with speaking as a mask in my life.  I used it to shut people out of my life and let friendships die because I was too worried that I would embarrass myself. My friendships were always surface level and I only allowed people in my life to a certain level.  I have a few friends in my life that have proven to me I can trust them.  They put up with my wordless convos and know that sometimes I do most of the listening, and they do the talking.  I like to think they’re okay with it.  They must be, because they’re patient and want my friendship. I’ve also used the speaking mask as an excuse in my walk with God.  He can’t use me, the person who stumbles over words.  I think about Moses and how he struggled with words, but He was used by God to be a hero.  

 As an adult, I have learned how to overcome it.  I still stutter and probably don’t pronounce words correctly. I’m sure I still speak too fast and slur my words.  I can feel the words getting caught in my throat and sometimes I freeze mid-sentence because I have to come up with a synonym that I can say. Then, I get self-conscience because I’ve randomly stopped speaking in mid-sentence.   I’ve learned mind tricks to overcome it. 

During our last snow, I realized something.  Not sure why it’s taken years worth of snows to come to this insight, but it has.  Of all the bitter cold and pain I’ve endured, I’ve finally come to terms with who I am.  I can look in the mirror and be somewhat content with the image staring back at me.  I can say a cuss word and not feel like my life has ended. I can forget to throw the clothes in the dryer and not immediately start calling myself negative names.  I’m finally happy with who I am.  My forgetfulness, my impatience, my frustrations, my anxiety, my fears.  All are perfect pieces that make me; these are what make me the unique human that I am.  Everyone has something they may not like about themselves, for some it is height, the color of their eyes, their handwriting but it is a part of who we are. We have to learn to love ourselves. 

Somewhere during the hard, bitter times I’ve been able to find peace with I am. I give to credit to God.  He’s taken hold of my heart and hasn’t left me sliding down the icy slopes in life alone.  He’s been there pushing me to be the better person He knows I can be. He lets the snow and ice fall on my life because He knows it’s what I need to become to person He wants me to be. Ever notice how the grass is so vibrant and green after the snow melts?  That’s how I feel at the end of a cold, bitter time in life.  The bitter times helped me become not only stronger but also wiser. I no longer put my worth based on the things people have told me. He’s knocking out my fears and I’m enjoying the ride. 

Enjoy the rides in this life. Try to praise God during the bitter times.  He won’t leave you to fight them alone.  Also remember that you’re perfect. Beautiful. And loved. Keep striving to be the person you can be and watch how the pieces fit together. 

I have to remember to keep fighting onward against the demons in my head telling me who I am not and battling against the inner darkness to be nothing as I once saw myself, which was only an illusion to the truth of what I am. Like a phoenix, I will continue to rise from the ashes from the fires that failed to burn me. Though the rise is slow at times it is however more than staying where I once laid.

And just like that, the negative self image is gone and replaced with beautiful imperfections. 

Love yourself, 

-Bethany 

Daily Prompt: Faded

via Daily Prompt: Faded

 

Faded.

I slowly let go from the grasp.

I watched as the pain faded into the dark.

It faded away once I let go.

Faded.

The old me faded with it.

With the pain gone and the old me gone with it. Came a new me.

The old me disappeared into the night and the new me was replaced.

The new brought light and happiness.  It faded out the dull and sadness.

Letting go and watching it all fade grew me into a stronger person.

Stronger because I know pain and sadness.

Stronger because I can help people dealing with the same pain.

Faded.

But forever changed.