My Sweet Baby Girl

My heart is so broken. The pain is sometimes too much to carry.

I know I complained about being pregnant a lot. The swollen feet and ankles. The nausea. The exhaustion. The endless worry.

I know my complaining isn’t the reason why you’re gone.

I know it’s not the reason why Jesus called you to heaven even before your lungs took their first breath.

But I wanted you baby girl. I prayed for you baby girl. I was excited to be a mom and that I had a chance to raise a strong girl.

I know I was blessed to grow and carry you. So many women long to have that chance but aren’t able to.

But I’m so heartbroken. You’re gone and there’s nothing I can do to bring you back.

All the plans just dissipated into the air. Never to be had. Dreams shattered even before they begun.

And now, I’m left here to try and pick up those pieces. Try to dream again. But how can I carry my dreams when all I ever dreamed about was being a mom and that dream just shattered?

Baby girl, I know you’re in heaven with my mom and Jesus. And that makes me have peace.

I know heaven is a much better place to be than Earth. But I still want you here. With me and your daddy.

We love you baby girl and we’re so heartbroken that you were taken from us.

Seven Changes

Seven.

Mathematically, it’s an odd number.  Biblically, it’s a sign of perfection.

Seven.  The amount of people in my family, which is why it’s my favorite number.

Seven.

It’s been seven years. Some days seven feels like a short time.  Most days seven feels like a long time.

It took everyone awhile to get our lives together and pick up the broken pieces, but we did.

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Mom,

Here’s a quick snapshot of your ever-growing family and all the changes that we’ve been through the years.  It hasn’t always been pretty. In fact, for awhile, things were down right ugly.

I am so proud of everyone and I know that you would be proud of them, too.

Dad is still being dad.  Losing you was so extremely hard for him.  It was very rough for a long time and we were all worried about him.  He has since remarried and moved to Idaho. You know how he always wanted to be back west and leave the south.   He seems happy but still misses you.  I’m glad he has Carrie to take care of him.  He visited over the summer and it was good seeing him after years of not seeing him.  He made sure my car was up to par and I miss him when he’s not here.

Your first son, Herbie: You would be so proud of Herbie and Kimberly.   He’s a dad to three kids; Logan, Holden, and Addison. It’s crazy how big Logan is now! Remember when he was a baby?  All three kids do certainly keep them busy. All three kids have their own personality and it’s great to see how they support each personailty!  Herbie has a great work ethic that he learned from you and Dad.  He also takes his love for sports and coaches baseball! How amazing is that?! Kimberly is a great Mom (no surprise there)  to the kids and still gives all the kids personalized birthday parties and cupcakes.  She makes sure the kids are well taken care of. I know you would be so proud of them, Mom.  You’re still missed.

Brenda went back to school to pursue a new career. She moved two hours away and the twins are officially living alone! I don’t think anyone thought that day would ever come. She’s always been more studious than me and can still sit and focus for hours to study! She grasps human anatomy and soaks up all she can learn.  She is passionate and determined to achieve her goals to continue to help others.  Donn, her boyfriend, is great to her and has supported her so much these past three years.  I know you would like him, Mom.  You and Brenda were best friends and she still misses you.  P.S. Buster, her spunky dog, is still alive.  We still use the nickname Buster Brown.

Let’s be honest, your second son, Derek, caused you and dad to lose sleep in his younger days!  Him and Meredith now have twins; Andrew and Kaleigh.  It was a scary time for everyone when they were born prematurely at 25 weeks!  But, they’re fighters like their grandma and they overcame so many struggles.  Andrew and Kaleigh are full of life and energy and have brought so much joy to the family.  I would say that Derek is getting pay back for his childhood!   They’re wonderful parents and you would be so proud of them. Derek works hard to make sure his family is provided for.  Meredith is a great Mom and has been wonderful to Derek and the family.   When they talk about you to the twins, you’re called “grandma in the clouds” You’re still missed.  P.S. their dog, Stevie is still alive.

The baby of the family and momma’s boy, Josh. You two shared a special bond and losing you was hard on him.  I felt guilty for moving out and leaving him alone to fend for himself but he finally found his way.   He has a good job that he enjoys and works hard, too.   He has a girlfriend, Nicole. Nicole is hard-working, driven, and determined to achieve her goals.  She will graduate nursing school in December and has recently accepted a position at the hospital. Nicole is a wonderful addition to Josh and our family. I know you would so proud of all he has accomplished. I’m also certain that you would love Nicole.  They have two dogs- Emma and Bambi.  The dogs keep them busy!

As for me, Mom.  I’m still the stubborn rule follower and mother hen of the family. It took me awhile to allow myself to grieve since I was so busy taking care of everyone. I’m still waiting for my person if he’s out there.  He’s going to have to super patient, right?  That beautiful dog in my lap is Casey.  She’s a shedding machine but she’s super sweet and loyal.  Casey has been my therapy over the years.  She’s been the perfect companion for all my adventures and obedient except when it comes to water.  I finally graduated college and teach second grade! I LOVE teaching! It’s probably no shocker that I’m in a profession with kids since I’ve always worked with kids growing up.  Also probably not surprising that I am a teacher since snow days growing up were spent me playing school and making everyone do homework (that they actually did, haha!).  Currently, I’m at a weird spot in life, but it’s a good spot. I’m searching for new passions and purpose.  I wish you were here to give me advice. I miss you.

All in all, we’re doing well.  You’re still missed.

Are you keeping count?  You have 5 new grandkids and 5 grandpups.  2 new future kid in laws.  Your family is growing.

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Ashely, your neice is doing great.  You would be so proud of her.  She’s been through so much through the years but is using the hard times in a postive way.  I’ll let her write you her story.  I know you’re smiling down on her.

Erica, your granddaughter is in college! She is a beautiful youg lady and has dreams she wants to achieve.  I know you’d be so proud of her because she’s accomplished so much.  She’s smart and does well in school.

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If you are blessed to have your parents in your life,  be thankful. Hug them whenever you can.  Pick up the phone and call them when you get a chance.  You’ll miss that.

The pain of losing a parent never leaves.  Of course I’ve learned to cope; but it wasn’t until I learned what grief was and it’s affect on me.   Grief isn’t something you just shake off becasue you feel like “it’s been long enough”.  It is now part of your story.  It’s part of who you are and your identity.  And you have to embrace it.

Grief isn’t pretty, but the changes you endure will be. It turns you into a beautiful masterpiece.  It’s a beautiful ride.

Seven.  Seems impossible.

-Bethany

A Mother’s Lap

A birthday post for my Mom:

As a child, I was terrified of storms. I would leave my bed and run down the dark hallway to your room to seek peace and comfort. You would hug me and tell me everything was alright. You rubbed my back and patiently waited until I was ready to go back to my room. You knew I was scared, but always encouraged me to be brave and face my fears.
I remember your lap was often my comfort spot. In countless storms throughout my childhood, the same scene would play out. I vividly remember one stormy night in your lap. You and Dad hired babysitters this night. This was a rare occasion when you two actually went on dates. Since there were 5 Kids, we usually had 2 babysitters. After the babysitters went home, a huge storm came. While in your lap, we talked about the storm and God. I told you I was worried about the babysitters getting home safely and I was worried about lightning striking the house. You said two words that have stuck with me well into adulthood. “Just pray.” We did just that.

It’s those two words that have helped me navigate the hard times I have endured throughout life. It’s as if you are sitting here listening and reminding me to just pray and trust.

She taught me that when you’re scared, just pray. She sadly passed away in September 2011. She battled cancer and died in a car accident shortly after her 52 birthday. I never told her how much that one stormy night impacted my life. I wrote this post to share her wisdom in celebration of her.

Happy 59th birthday, Mom! 💜

Freedom

(Broken Shells A few years ago, I wrote a blog post about the impact shells have on my life and why they’re so precious to me. Click the link above if you’d like to read it.)

We all have a story.  Here is mine.

I’ve been wanting to write this for some time, but have been so busy with life that I’ve pushed it off.

We just celebrated a holiday honoring our independence from the British and reflecting on the many lives that were lost in defending our freedom. I’ve been doing some reflecting of my own about the  word freedom and the power it has in my life.

Freedom.  Sweet freedom.

When I looked in the mirror during my teens and early twenties, these words covered my reflection: Victim.  Loner.  Unwanted.  Fat. Unloved.  Broken.  Scarred.  Timid.  Weak.  Angry. Resentful.  Unforgiving.  Bitter.  Confused.  Fearful. Imperfect.

So many years feeling trapped by focusing all my energy on my imperfections.  So many years I spent trying to fit in with everyone else and worrying about what others thought of me.  Carrying the bondage of trying to be perfect all the time.

Freedom.  Sweet freedom.

When I see sea shells, I am reminded of the grace that is given to me.  How free I truly am because I have found a love much greater than I have ever known.  The love of Christ and His grace that carries me through.  His grace that still pursues me even after all the resentment and anger I felt when my life fell apart.  His grace that covers the broken pieces of my heart when I realize my life is not how I pictured it would be.  He still wants me.  Still chases me no matter how many times I’ve pushed Him away and telling Him “I got it all figured out.”    I’m no longer carrying the weight of this world with me.

I’ve given up the bondage of trying to always be perfect.  Trying to always have it get together, because guess what?  My current season of life is teaching me something.  Not having it together is a sign that there’s something on the horizon.  Something big and beautiful.  Even if all the details don’t line up correctly and the pieces don’t fit, there’s something.  It’s a daily reminder that I have to learn to give up control.  Which, if you know me, my stubbornness struggles with giving up control.

The truth is that no matter how broken I am, how confusing life is for me, or how many times I mess up, I am still loved.  I am loved by God.  The only being who can see my flaws and broken pieces and still accept me for me.  I’m free from the weight of carrying  the guilt with me.

I keep sea shells in various places in my home and my classroom to remind me that even the imperfections and brokenness can be a beautiful thing.  That when the waves of life  wear me down, I have freedom. I have freedom because of Jesus.  Jesus set me free.

Now, in my thirties, when I look in the mirror, I see a child of God.  A hot mess of a person, but still a child of God.  I don’t see those words in my face.  I see: redeemed, loved, covered in grace, forgiven, strong, powerful, influential, leader.  All because I see myself how God sees me.

Go find a sea shell or explore nature.  Remind yourself that despite all the ugliness that you’re hiding and carrying around, you’re loved.  Loved by God and He is waiting for you to come to Him.  To see Him in your imperfections.

You’re a beautiful masterpiece.  Keep growing and seeking Him.

…. But that is not what God desires; rather, he devises ways so that a banished person does not remain banished from him. 2 Samuel 14:14

-Bethany

Rivulet Memories

via Daily Prompt: Rivulet

Your memory was once there.

A full force that would knock me down. And send me sinking to the bottom.

I allowed the force to break me because hitting rock bottom hurt.

I wanted to hurt.  I wanted to pretend that whatever was between us at least meant something.

I let it break me.  But not to give you credit.  I wanted it to break me because I learned a hard lesson about love and life.

I learned that the emotional tide you put on me was not fair.  It’s not what a man should do a woman.  It’s not how a man demonstrates love and affection to a woman.

Your memories no longer cause pain.  Instead, they give me strength.  Power. Power that encourages me to know what I deserve.  Strength to know that I deserve to be treated 1000 times better than you ever treated me.

Strength to keep waiting for the one.  The one who will love me for me.  The one who will cherish my heart.  The one who will love me like a lady should be loved.  The one who will take away all my fears and make me feel the safe.  The one who will pray for me daily.  The one who will love God above me and seek His power to be the man I need in my life.

So your memories are now a rivulet in my mind.  A small stream that no longer breaks my heart.

But the force you left with me will forever be there.  You taught me what I don’t want.

I deserve the best.  I deserve a Godly man chasing after God and His will.  Not a boy.

After years, you’re finally gone.  Just a rivulet in my life story.

From One Exhausted Teacher to Another

 

Dear Fellow Teacher,

You’re exhausted.  Drowning in the never-ending to-do list. Planning lessons to reach every learner where they are academically and emotionally.

You look around your classroom and see a hot mess. The posters are starting to fall off the wall. The weight of little hands and bodies leaning against them is starting to take a toll. The book shelves that you spent two days organizing before school started, and countless times throughout the year, looks as if a tornado hit it.  The supplies are dangerously low. The students are starting to get on each other’s nerves and you’re hearing about every single minor offense. Your email dings with one more thing to do. And the exhaustion just keeps coming. Your patience left you a long time ago.

I’m right there with you, friend. Teacher burn-out is real. I’ve been finding myself complaining TOO MUCH about teaching.  Long hours. The pay. Not enough supplies. Out of pocket expenses.  I could go on and on.  The same complaints we all share, I’m sure.

Then I realized that I was focusing on all the negatives.  I’m causing myself to get a negative taste about teaching.  So, I wrote this post to remind myself why I keep going.  Why I keep teaching.  Why I keep doing what I do. Why I work an insane amount of hours a week. Why I want to spend my weeks with 21 7 and 8 year olds.

I hope this list helps you remember why you started, too.

1. Daily corny  funny jokes.
2. Hugs. I give my kids at least 2 hugs a day. Morning greeting and afternoon goodbye.  That’s at least 42 hugs I get a day.  Not including all the random hugs they want.
3. Daily doses of laughter and silliness.
4. Being able to witness the beginning of year students to the end of the year students.  They grow up before your eyes.
5. Watching a struggling reader or English learner go from not being able to read one word to reading an entire paragraph.
6. Subtraction with borrowing and the ah-ha moment the students make when they finally understand.
7. Hand-drawn pictures and love notes from students on my desk.
8. How much they light up when they enter the classroom each morning.
9. The funny stories they tell.
10. How much I love them.
11. The bond we share.  I know their favorite shows.  Their favorite video games.  Their favorite book.  The fears they have.  The struggles they endure.  And how they come to me to help them through the problems.
12. God placed each one in my care because He knows they need me and I need them.
13. I miss them and worry about them when they’re absent.
14. Watching them gain confidence with themselves. And overcoming a struggle.
15. Teaching them life lessons.  How to be a good friend.  How to be kind.  How to help others.
16. They show me grace on my bad days.
17. They forgive me when I make mistakes.
18. They let me sing out loud. They also let me break out in a dance. And although they groan, they secretly love it.
19. Their compliments are always the sweetest and honest.
20. They fulfill my purpose.
21. Seeing a student go from hating reading to loving reading.
22. My life would be boring without them.
23. How bittersweet the last day of school is.

Woah, that was much needed. Teaching is a hard job.  We’re expected to do more with the little we’re given.  But somehow we always manage to get it done. We do it because we love our kids.  Our kids need us.  We do it because we love teaching.

I’m going to start focusing on the positive aspects of teaching.  The list is certainly longer than the negatives and the outcome is greater.  Take some time for your self and release the stress.

I appreciate all my friends (teachers and non-teachers) who listen to me vent.  But next time, refer me back to this post.

Keep calm and teach on!  There’s only a few weeks left to have them in our daily lives. Enjoy them!

-Bethany

 

 

 

 

 

Sunrise Moments

Life.

Life is.

Life is too.

Hard.

Sad.

Broken.

Life.

Life is.

Life is too.

Beautiful.

Wonderful.

Exciting.

Life.

Life is.

Life is too.

Short.

Sunrises.

New beginnings.

Another chance.

Another opportunity to forgive ourselves. And others.

You know that feeling you get when you wake up after a bad night of storms pounding you?

Relief. Refreshed. Survival. Peaceful.

That peace. Life is too short to overlook another sunrise. It’s too short not to remind ourselves that each day is a new chance to start over. It’s too short not to embrace the stillness that the sunrise stirs inside us. It’s too short to ignore another sunrise.

Peace. Hope. We’ve endured the storm. We survived our hardest season in life.

The next time you see a sunrise, take a moment to enjoy it. To remind yourself that today is a new day. Another chance to improve. Another chance to love those in our lives. Another chance to live in God’s grace.

Tomorrow isn’t promised. Live in the moment and enjoy the small sunrise moments that God places throughout our day. It’s in the small moments that we truly see the beauty of life.

Be well friends. Love others. Love life.

-Bethany

Streams of Life

They say life isn’t measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the amount of moments that take your breath away. Sometimes life is smooth sailing. You’re content about what’s happening. You’ve formed a groove and have your sail mapped out.

Then out of nowhere you get a sense that the waters have started picking up. The smooth ride has now started to feel shaky. Bumpy. And out in the horizon, you see why. But it’s too late to make any sudden moves. You’ve hit your first rock. It knocks a little dent in your boat, but you survive. You cover the dent. And for a little while, all is right in the world.

Before you have time to ponder about your next move, a rock bigger than the previous one, comes and knocks a bigger dent. Your first dent wasn’t treated properly and now this time, the dent is huge. The dent is turning out to be a bigger problem than expected. An overwhelming feeling starts to take over. You panic. You’ve realized that not paying attention to the smaller problem and fixing it properly, has now caused this problem to be bigger than it really is. You have to pull the boat over and fix it. You notice other boats and people passing you and succeeding.

“If only I had fixed the problem correctly the first time, I wouldn’t be sitting here wasting time.” You think to yourself.

You solve the problem. It’s fixed. You push your boat out into the water, again. It’s smooth again. You have a renewed outlook on life and you’re content. You’ve been through tough waters and know how to solved the problem.

Hold tight. Smooth sailing doesn’t last forever. You know that life can change in an instant. You’ll hit rocks and bumps and falls. You’ll get bruised, broken, pushed away. You’ll take last place. But take heart. Much like a stream or river, there’s always an end to the troubles. The falls will hurt, but at the end, there’s a lesson to be learned. You’ll be wiser and bruised. But stronger.

You’re not alone. You’re loved. You’re needed. You matter.

Daily Prompt: Costume

via Daily Prompt: Costume

Cover up my flaws.  Cover up my hurts.

Cover up my anxiety.

Anxiety.

Don’t show my true self.  What if they don’t like me?

Breathe in and breathe out.  I can’t tell anyone about  how I’m feeling.  About the racing thoughts that take over my mind sometimes.  About the pain in my chest I feel when those thoughts won’t cease.

Feeling.

I can’t pretend anymore.

I must shed this costume that has been consuming me most of my life.

There is One Being I can’t pretend with.

God.

He sees me without my costume.  He  hasn’t left my side.  Many times it feels as if He has, but it’s probably because I’m the one who wants to hide. Not Him.  When I think about God, and how He sees me as His daughter, I can feel the costume fade away.

All my hurts. Imperfections. Flaws.  He sees every single one and yet, loves me.

I know He loves me because I can feel Him when I look at the sun and when I feel the cool air wisp past me.  I know He loves me when I walk on the sand and feel the waves touch my feet.

It’s His love and grace that encourages me to shed my costume to those around me.

If I can’t be my true self around those in my life, do they truly love me for me?  Flaws and all?

 

 

 

 

 

Sludge

via Daily Prompt: Sludge

The sludges of life.

It hits you.

One day you’re stepping in the soft dirt with the sun’s heat beating down on you.

The easy going pace of life has suddenly taken a huge turn. A turn that’ll test your grit. It’ll test your faith and perseverance. It’ll make you second guess everything you’ve known thus far.

You’ve reached a bridge. A bridge that requires you to balance and walk on one foot. You become distracted and have managed to misplace your footing. You struggle to regain balance but you fall in the murky water; unsure of what’s below. Hopeless.

You won’t give up without a fight. You’re in pain. Bruised. Tired. You muster enough strength to arise from the water.

Once you’ve reached dry land though, you’re beaten. The water has weighed you down. The dirt has now turned to sludge. Sludge that adds weight to your legs as you try to walk. Hopeless.

Your life suddenly feels like sludge. Sticky. Dirty. Unloveable. Stuck. Hopeless.

It doesn’t matter how much you fight, it’s still there weighing your legs down. Keeping you knocked down. Beaten. Tired.

One day you observe the sludge is slowly coming off. Your legs start to feel lighter. You have the strength to carry on and continue. You have hope again. Hopeful you will survive.

But ask yourself. Is the sludge coming off or did the sludge cause you to become stronger? The sludge wanted to break you. It wanted to bring you down. You didn’t allow it. You only became stronger. Wiser. Hopeful.

The sludge in life may cause you to be discouraged but hold on. There’s always hope at the end.

“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 3-5

Keep moving. Keep growing.

-Bethany