And just like that, it’s gone.
I learned at an early age, just how mean people are. I spent the early part of my childhood teased, mocked, and bullied. I never grew thick skin from it. I never learned how to stand up for myself nor come up with ways to cause harm towards those who caused me so much agony. I think I developed a thing I like to call “keep everyone at an arm’s length and build walls. Because everyone in my life has caused me nothing but hurt.” Not the best choice, obviously, in dealing with nasty people, but at a young age, it was the only way I knew how to handle the hurt. I also have learned how NOT to treat people. I’m probably too nice to people, but I know how it feels like to be the dirt on someone’s shoe.
Growing up, I had a speech impediment. I remember going to speech therapy in school and being so embarrassed when I couldn’t pronounce letter sounds correctly. I hated reading out loud in front of my classmates so much, that I refuse to make my students do it. I only call on the students who want to read so I don’t cause any kids to wind up hating reading. Or give a child another reason to hate themselves. I remember my family members, out of frustration and trying to help, constantly telling me to articulate the words better. “Open your mouth, Bethany and articulate the words.” Every time they tried to help, I just felt even more unworthy. I wanted to be the perfect, well-behaved daughter and every time I was told to speak better, I felt inadequate. I knew they were frustrated and only wanted to help. Already feeling like I was worthless to people and not being able to thrive on the same level as most of my peers, I was constantly reminded how different I was and not in the positive way. The nights of being afraid of going to school, parties, or other functions because I would have to talk but no one would understand me. I wanted to be the same but how could I? People helped reminded where I was stuck at, where could I find hope from people?
I’ve used the excuse with speaking as a mask in my life. I used it to shut people out of my life and let friendships die because I was too worried that I would embarrass myself. My friendships were always surface level and I only allowed people in my life to a certain level. I have a few friends in my life that have proven to me I can trust them. They put up with my wordless convos and know that sometimes I do most of the listening, and they do the talking. I like to think they’re okay with it. They must be, because they’re patient and want my friendship. I’ve also used the speaking mask as an excuse in my walk with God. He can’t use me, the person who stumbles over words. I think about Moses and how he struggled with words, but He was used by God to be a hero.
As an adult, I have learned how to overcome it. I still stutter and probably don’t pronounce words correctly. I’m sure I still speak too fast and slur my words. I can feel the words getting caught in my throat and sometimes I freeze mid-sentence because I have to come up with a synonym that I can say. Then, I get self-conscience because I’ve randomly stopped speaking in mid-sentence. I’ve learned mind tricks to overcome it.
During our last snow, I realized something. Not sure why it’s taken years worth of snows to come to this insight, but it has. Of all the bitter cold and pain I’ve endured, I’ve finally come to terms with who I am. I can look in the mirror and be somewhat content with the image staring back at me. I can say a cuss word and not feel like my life has ended. I can forget to throw the clothes in the dryer and not immediately start calling myself negative names. I’m finally happy with who I am. My forgetfulness, my impatience, my frustrations, my anxiety, my fears. All are perfect pieces that make me; these are what make me the unique human that I am. Everyone has something they may not like about themselves, for some it is height, the color of their eyes, their handwriting but it is a part of who we are. We have to learn to love ourselves.
Somewhere during the hard, bitter times I’ve been able to find peace with I am. I give to credit to God. He’s taken hold of my heart and hasn’t left me sliding down the icy slopes in life alone. He’s been there pushing me to be the better person He knows I can be. He lets the snow and ice fall on my life because He knows it’s what I need to become to person He wants me to be. Ever notice how the grass is so vibrant and green after the snow melts? That’s how I feel at the end of a cold, bitter time in life. The bitter times helped me become not only stronger but also wiser. I no longer put my worth based on the things people have told me. He’s knocking out my fears and I’m enjoying the ride.
Enjoy the rides in this life. Try to praise God during the bitter times. He won’t leave you to fight them alone. Also remember that you’re perfect. Beautiful. And loved. Keep striving to be the person you can be and watch how the pieces fit together.
I have to remember to keep fighting onward against the demons in my head telling me who I am not and battling against the inner darkness to be nothing as I once saw myself, which was only an illusion to the truth of what I am. Like a phoenix, I will continue to rise from the ashes from the fires that failed to burn me. Though the rise is slow at times it is however more than staying where I once laid.
And just like that, the negative self image is gone and replaced with beautiful imperfections.
Love yourself,
-Bethany
ramblingsofbethany 